Politically Correct Nursery Rhymes

Baa Baa Black Sheep

Baa Baa Rainbow sheep 

Have you any fair-trade wool?
Yes person, yes person
A number of containers full 

One for the person of authority

And one for the person of nobility 

And one for the young adult
Whose address, for data protection reasons, must remain confidential.

Little Jack Horner

Vertically challenged Jack Horner
Sat in a corner eating a dessert with no direct link to any religious festival
He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a Non-Genetically Modified organic gluten-free vegan plum
And said, "What an acceptable young male with and equal opportunity to contribute to society am I"

Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill (who have a platonic relationship) 

Travelled up a topographical feature
To fetch a container of religiously-neutral liquid 

Jack fell down and suffered injuries to his head
And Jill repeated this action through pure co-incidence (it was not as an implied consequence of her gender)

Mary had a little lamb

Mary had a free-range lamb of less than average (though no less valuable) dimensions 

Its fleece was all the colours of a multi-cultural society
And everywhere that Mary went, the free-range lamb was allowed its own free will to follow her (it didn't have deep rooted dependency issues).

Old Mother Hubbard

Mrs Hubbard (a female parent of advanced age) went to the cupboard
To attain her fiscally challenged canine some tofu
But when she got there, the cupboard was devoid of contents, 

And so the canine had no tofu

Polly put the kettle on

A volunteer put the kettle on, A volunteer put the kettle on,
A volunteer put the kettle on, we'll all have tea
(Although we do have a vegan option and can cater for any other special dietary requirements)

Anyone* take it off again, 

Anyone* take it off again, 

Anyone* take it off again,
They've all gone away (with a full refund which doesn't affect their statutory rights).

(*observing our comprehensive equal opportunities policy)

Pop goes the Weasel

226.8 grams of organic rice,
226.8 grams of treacle.
That's the way the unitary currency goes,
Pop! goes the weasel.
(No weasels were harmed in the making of this nursery rhyme)

Simple Simon

Uncomplicated Simon met a pie-person going to the fair;
Said uncomplicated Simon to the pie-person 'Let me taste your ware'
Said the pie-person to uncomplicated Simon 'Unfortunately, due to high unit costs and limited tax breaks for small businesses, we do not offer free samples. However, if you are not entirely satisfied with the quality of your purchase, I would refer you to the sale of goods and services act'
Said uncomplicated Simon to the pie-person 'Person, due to the difficult economic climate I am unable to free up sufficient funds to purchase luxury items'

The North wind doth blow

The North wind doth blow and we shall have snow, 

And what will poor robin do then, poor thing? 

Attend a climate change protest or perhaps move to a warmer country whilst paying particular attention to that country's immigration and quarantine laws.

The Queen of hearts

The female monarch of Hearts, she made some conserve and pastry desserts all on a summer's day.
The Personal Assistant of Hearts he took the conserve and pastry desserts without the owner's consent and took them clean away. 

The male monarch of Hearts called for the conserve and pastry desserts and meted out punishment to the Personal Assistant whilst observing his human rights

The Personal Assistant of Hearts brought back the conserve and pastry desserts and
proclaimed that he had been fully rehabilitated and was no longer a threat to society.

There was a crooked man

There was a man with curvature of the spine and he walked an indirect mile,
He found a circuitous numismatic token to the value of two and a half new pence, upon a distorted stile.
He bought a misrepresented cat, which caught a disingenuous non-endangered species of mouse.
And they all lived together in a distorted house which was slightly less than the average size for a house in that area.

This little piggy

This diminutive porcine animal went to market, 

This diminutive porcine animal stayed at home,
This diminutive porcine animal had roast beef which conformed to the world trade organisation's ban on artificial beef hormones,
This diminutive porcine animal was gastrically disadvantaged. 

And this diminutive porcine animal had urinary incontinence all the way home though this information remained confidential because of the Hippocratic Oath taken by the porcine animal's medical practitioner.

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